Not really, it’s a line in the chorus of my current favorite song, Lotto by the Korean pop group EXO.
I actually listen to a lot of Kpop while I write. My Pandora has its own channel, and I listen to the nightcore versions while I wait for caffeine and food on Sundays. Weird, I know, but we writers aren’t normal people. We sit for long stretches of time, pounding words into laptops, computers and journals, lost in our own little worlds.
And my world just happens to have a sound track of danceable tunes in a language I know dick-all off.
Writers, do you write with music? What kind? I’m curious.
I was yelling, and I heard the door open behind me. “Doctor, is everything alright?”
After a second, the door closed again. I didn’t even turn around, for all I knew, security was on their way to drag my crazy ass to solitary for making such a fuss.
Nothing happened, but Dr. Spaulding’s speaking. “From your friends, you have a lot of other talents that don’t involve sex. You juggle, there’s fire play, there has to be more.”
“That shit doesn’t keep you fed or warm. And who the fuck told you that, the guy I’d been fucking for a place to stay? HA! The only talents that got me anywhere were my dick and my mouth.” I clicked my tongue stud against me teeth like an exclaimation point to end my point. I didn’t want to make Jonathan look bad – he was good to me – but I had to get her to face facts. We both knew the score. No use in making it all nicey nice. I was a sex toy with legs who could eat fire.
And I didn’t regret a single minute of it.
People asked if Mama Carmen would make an appearance in All I Ever Wanted, and I wouldn’t dream of disappointing any of you!
Any other thoughts I had were interrupted by a black blur tearing out of the garage.
“Well, glad he remember clothes…” My driving companion wasn’t sitting next to me as I parked, leaving the door wide open and her hat on the seat as the two Mendozas collided together, Jonathan practically lifting the Carmen in to the air. Carmen kissed her son’s cheeks over and over again, and they both spoke so fast that I wasn’t sure if it was English or Spanish or some perfect meshing of the two.
Dean opened my door for me. “I’ll get her bags while they say hello.” If his smile got any bigger, his face would have split in half.
My chest ached hard watching the reunion. Damn, I’d never had that kind of hello from any kin of mine. It was wrong to be jealous, even a little, but I was going to be honest. It hurt.
I felt Dean’s hand on my shoulder, and his eyes were a little misty. “Thinking about your folks?”
“…yeah,” I confessed with a little sigh.
He nodded. “Me too. I’d kill for one more hug, you know. But,” he moved to the back to get the luggage. “I can live vicariously through them, yeah?”
I got up and helped by the tote bag, amazed at how it seemed that there was no one else in the universe but mom and son. Jonathan had his face tucked into Carmen’s neck, his shoulder shaking as she petted his hair and cooed at him.
“She’s telling him that she’s fine,” Dean translated. “I forgot she’s been sick for two years.”
“Come on,” I said, heading for the steps leading to the front door. “We could give ‘em some privacy, yeah?”
Well, I’ve been doing Nano for eight years, and this is my first year with actual writing expectations, so I’m going to make this yearly thing I do into motivation: I’m going to work on All I Ever Wanted this month! Fifty thousand words should help me finish the fucker that I started last year. I think. I hope. If you’re doing Nano too, feel free to friend me at “jailaheyn” (It’s my old fanfic pen name, so…yeah…)
So, happy November, happy Nano, and here’s this week’s except!
Rafe nodded real slow. “That would explain the bottle of Zoloft in the bathroom.”
I covered my face and groaned. “Fuck, I thought I put that in the medicine cabinet this morning. I didn’t mean for you to see those. Didn’t want you to think I was this fucked up.”
“I’ll forgive you for thinking I’m enough of a jerk that I’d dump you for being on meds.” He extended a hand to me. “And I’m not going to dump you just because you went soft. You didn’t know, I didn’t know. And that whole ‘worth is in your ability to fuck’ bit is total bullshit. I liked you long before we got to this point.”
I couldn’t take his hand, because I wasn’t remotely finished yet. If he wanted to like me so much, he had to know it all before we got skin to skin ever again. “It’s all I’ve ever known.”
“How long have you known that? You’re not that much younger than I am.” He kept his hand out.
I closed my eyes, no longer crying. The room had gotten cool, and I crossed my arms in front of me, hugging myself, trying to get warm. The downside of being a skinny fuck and being sober all the time, I got cold too damn quick. This part was going to be tough, but I’d decided to spill, and I couldn’t talk about the daddy thing, so maybe if I told him everything else, I’d be forgiven.
“I had a whole lot of practice.”
Happy Friday you guys and gals!
In case you were wonder if our dear Patch-kid is going to meet a special someone, fear not! He’s got his issues to deal with around love and stuff, but fear not!
I spend that entire weekend distracted by thoughts of Mr. Rafe and his idea of a “date” that involved getting sweaty in ways I wasn’t completely familiar with, that is, with another person. The distraction didn’t mean I was gonna blurt it out to my nearest and dearest, though. I’d learned a long time ago that some things, you have to keep close to your chest at first.
Well, except for Hallow. He didn’t talk back or ask me to give gory details of my feelings, so he were safe, even when it felt like I was talking to myself out loud.
“So, Rafe. Hot, friendly, and way the fuck out of my league. I got no fucking clue what to do with this guy at all. Okay, I’ve got some ideas, but the mind the willing and the body is medicated.” I’d been quite happy for that major side effect when I was up to 100 mg, one less thing I had to worry about while I was in the middle of recovering.
“He asked me to be his running partner. I can do that, right?” Hallow poked his little snub nose out of my shirt, where he was keeping warm, like it was actually listening. I felt the smooth scale slide against my skin and it was nice. “It’s just that ‘date’ thing that throwing me off. I ain’t the dating type, never saw the need for it, not in my game. So, I’ll just run with him for now, see if he’s trying for some long game to get into my pants. If that’s the case, well…”
I didn’t know. Normally, fucking was a means to an end, always had been for me. But other than an ass tight enough to bounce a rock off of, Rafe didn’t have anything I needed that I could barter sex for. Just thinking about it made me even more confused, so I decided to just see what happened.
See, I didn’t forget this time!
I was still so fucking angry.
“What happened to you wasn’t your fault. It’s alright to be upset, Patrick.” She tried again with the tissues and I snatched them from her and hurled them at the wall with a very satisfied smack. I liked her company, but I fucked hated that we talked about this shit. Nothing made me more pissed off than remembering the helplessness.
The throw got a glare from her. “But you can’t take it out on my Kleenex. Have you thought about taking up a sport?”
That shook me out of my rage-haze for a second. “What? Like fucking football or some shit?”
“Or running, or swimming. You told me you swam as a kid. Something that gets your body moving, gets you out of your head.”
I shook my head, because that just sounded ridiculous. Me, short and scrawny me, lifting more than my own ass? Please. “I know what happened wasn’t my fault. It never was my fucking fault. She wasn’t in the deal, she had no goddamned right, but she’s gone and I’ve got no fucking clue what to do with all this…this..” I dashed my hand over my cheek as it started to itch. “Fuck, I want to just tear her to pieces…” I didn’t even want to talk about the consequences of that Nightmare night, of birds and bees and sperm hitting an egg and just like that, I wanted something else to throw. Or maybe to just throw up.